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My decision to commit suicide came while I stood in front of an open dresser drawer choosing socks before picking up my kids from their play date. My drinking had escalated after my youngest arrived, a response to my belief in myself as ill-equipped to mother more than one child. Other women could handle two kids, I had decided, but I couldn’t deal with things most adults considered normal. My basic defectiveness and inability to handle life’s challenges got locked inside a cupboard with all my other inadequacies.
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Women across the world have been made to believe that we’re supposed to fit into a specific mold. But through these featured posts about body image, you’ll see women of all sizes and shapes and they all have one thing in common - they’re beautiful exactly the way they are.
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Last June, my parents decided to sell our family home in favor of a newer version in a town two hours away. It is often said that the memories we share about a space and the people who created them make the home, not the physical structure itself. But when it comes to bidding farewell to the place that holds our memories, it is bittersweet.
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Many highly successful people have said they don’t believe in the idea of balance. While we can certainly debate that, I believe balance is less about finding a perfect split between your priorities, and more about knowing how to find your personal sense of stillness. Finding calm in the chaos doesn’t have to mean that you meditate for 20 minutes a day. For some, calm might mean singing in the shower, hitting the gym, or movie night. Your calm is what you make it.
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I went out to a bar with a couple of my girlfriends from work. I lived a very sheltered life in my youth, so going to a bar for the first time at 24 was an eye-opening experience. There were people everywhere. The music, the energy, and feeling seen... it was intoxicating. I spent most of my life trying to hide from people, but I found myself enjoying the attention I was receiving. It was like electricity crackling every time I felt eyes on me.
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I walked out of the bathroom and burst into frantic tears. My body suddenly felt like a ticking time-bomb. One wrong move. Burst vessels. Stillborn baby. Lord, protect her, I begged. Deep down I knew he already had. By the grace of God we were back in Australia and I was only a car trip away from high quality medical care. But the “What Ifs” plagued my thoughts and I continued to be anxious. Survival. AlI I cared about at that time was my baby’s survival. Whatever it takes, God. Please.
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