How to Help the Friend Who Won't Ask for Help
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Words by Hannah Oxley
Some friends are easier to love than others – there, I said it. As a girl who is blessed by a seemingly endless stream of new friends and a supportive inner-circle I proudly call, “my people,” I’ve learned that it’s simply more work to serve certain kinds of people. One of them is especially difficult: The Lone Wolf.
We all have at least one Lone Wolf in our circles – the self-sufficient queen (or king) of multitasking who never asks for help but is the first person to drop what they’re doing to help you. They aren’t necessarily ones to isolate themselves from social gatherings (although, I’d argue that most of us appreciate “me time” over a party), but they do check their personal baggage safely away, hiding the fears that keep them up at night — even from their people.
For better or for worse, these people are my kind of people. We’re frustrating, and we know it, and no matter how much you pester us, we’ll never admit there’s anything you could do to lighten the packs on our backs.
“It’s just a busy few weeks, that’s all.” Sure, we're stressed, but it's our own fault, gosh dang it; if we just asked for help, we'd have less to worry about, right? The truth is that it's not pride which makes us weary of asking for help. It is crippling fear that if our friends knew, if they saw the weight we carried, they’d look at us like we were attention-seeking and incapable. At worst, they would realize that helping us wasn’t worth their time or effort.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers when it comes to people like us – we are a strange and stubborn sort of human that cannot be contained in one article – but I do have a front-row seat to the toxic thought storm the Lone Wolf complex summons. I even have good news! You can help the friend who never asks for help, and I’ve got three ways you can get started.
1. MEET THE PARENTS
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here – it’s not always the parents’ fault. Whether our parents are of the lovey-dove persuasion, or the pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps militia, every moment spent with them shapes us. Meeting your friends’ parents will give you a taste of the message they grew up believing and the ideals they’ve spent a lifetime internalizing. Let me be clear: the messages I’m talking about are unhealthy; they are isolating, and they are unsustainable. They make us believe that asking the people we love to help us is an act of greed or selfishness rather than one of trust.
I’m the oldest; I don’t get to fall apart.
No one is going to fix this for me – I’m on my own.
If I do this without help, Mom and Dad will be proud of me.
I have to be stable, not the one calling home every five seconds for help.
They’ve got enough to worry about – I can’t add more to their plate right now.
Discovering the lie your friend believes gives you the power to speak the truth they can’t (or won’t) speak to themselves. Will you make them uncomfortable? Yes. Will they roll their eyes and mutter something about needing to get their own place? Most likely. Don’t let that stop you!
2. PAY ATTENTION
Everyone has a routine – especially those of us who are determined to handle everything ourselves – and they speak volumes on our behalf. Granted, when you have a Lone Wolf for a roommate, these routines are easier to recognize. For example, does your friend buy the same brand of peanut butter every month for their morning smoothies? Do they add ketchup to every dinner plate? Do they do their laundry on the same day of the week, every week? When you notice these little habits, you compile a list of tasks you can take off of your friend’s plate without them feeling like they’re burdening you. In other words, noticing the little things every day means that on the days when your friend is struggling, you can actually do something to help. If you notice a jar of that very specific brand of peanut butter in the recycling bin, rather than asking if your friend needs something, tell them you’re going to the store after work and you’ll pick up peanut butter. Technically, they’re still not asking you for help, but at least in this example, they’re accepting your help. Baby steps.
3. LEAN IN
The thing about us white-knuckling knuckleheads (a term I use with great affection), is that we scare easy in the face of unexpected aid. We wonder what we’ve said or done to reveal what we’re desperately trying to conceal. We wonder, “Crap! Have I been complaining? Do they feel obligated to help me? Come on, self! If so-and-so can get through that I should be able to handle this. People have way bigger things to worry about.”
Around and around our thoughts spin, and down the rabbit hole we go. We create the narrative in our minds that we’ve become the manipulative, attention-seeking weaklings we’ve always feared we’d become, and our instinct is to convince the world that we have everything under control. We don’t need help, but thanks for asking (insert thumbs-up and toothy smile here).
My advice for you is simple: when that friend tries to push you away, don’t step back, lean in. Be ridiculously clear about the fact that you’re not offering your time, talent, or treasure because you think they’re incapable or needy, but because YOU. LOVE. THEM.
At the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want to hear from our people?
About the Author:
Hannah Oxley is a teacher, a blogger, and an avid reader. When she’s not working on her first middle-grade novel, she can be found sipping coffee at her favorite independent bookstore or roaming the aisles of Trader Joe’s.