The Size of My Friend Circle
Read time: 6 minutes
Words by Nikki Gillis
While 2020 was a “forget me not” year for many reasons, it also felt like a real game of Truth or Dare in friendships being tested. I like to call it the “strait jacket phase of life.”
It is a phase in life when we all seem to be so busy that suddenly out of nowhere life feels as if God placed a strait jacket on us to slow us down. After we stop fighting for control and calm down, we are left with two valuable things. We still have our ears to hear the conversations surrounding us that we’ve ignored, and we have our eyes to see the true colors of everyone around us we’ve been colorblind to.
The truth is a global pandemic brought the world to its knees and dared us to act on what we were truly seeing. I have never felt so torn to watch so-called friends fall off like flies and new ones blossom like a fresh flower. Especially when I considered myself to be one from the old school era, no new friends right?! But what type of things could test a friendship or cause you to realize it was really a “situationship” in disguise?
The Masks in Disguise
Although there are many types of people disguised as friends, I’ll focus on three common ones:
1) The Fair-Weather Friend
When things are good and on the up, she can easily be found soaking up the vibes. Normally, she’s obsessed with the spotlight, loves attention, and a perfectionist by default. Yet there’s a flip side to her. The moment things get hard, don’t go as expected, or take a turn for the worse, she’ll disappear on you! Your problems in life don’t match her image or make her look good. Therefore, she’ll quietly take a backseat from your life until you “appear” together again.
2) The Trauma Bond-Buddy
Her narcissistic traits are camouflaged well depending on who she’s around. Meditation to her is to breathe in and breathe out toxic ways she can infect, disrupt, and manipulate your life. Reflecting on your bond together often leaves you blank, confused, or asking yourself: why? Communicating your feelings to her always ends in you wishing you’d never opened your mouth. Dealing with her is a daily emotional roller coaster ride you’ve yet to find the exit door from. Trust and believe, the day she met you, she already had a plan that never included your happiness or peace.
3) The Any Means Necessary Chick
Simply put, she has no interest in being loyal to anyone but herself. Her allegiance is often found and seen when chasing fame, success, or money. She’s funny or has a magnetic personality that attracts people. You’ll quickly feel the wrath of her emotions the second you interfere with her fame, success, or money. There are no boundaries to her, and she’ll push anyone’s buttons to get what she wants. She will get to the top by any means necessary by stepping on, backstabbing, or using others to fulfill her goals.
Two Things that Test Every Friendship
As you read over the different women described above, someone may have quickly came to mind. No doubt your brain is doing a mental scan right now of who’s in your inner circle of friends. In all fairness, what if you feel no one in your tribe fits the descriptions above? Is it possible the friend you’re questioning could just be going through some things in life? Have you cut them off unreasonably? What are some things that can test a true friendship?
1) Change
Let’s keep it all the way real. If you’re reading this, that means you too not only survived 2020, but you also aren’t the same person you once were a year ago. It’s safe to say 2020 brought about a lot of CHANGE! This month marks the one-year anniversary of experiencing what the effects of a pandemic can bring. The stay-at-home order brought out the good, bad, and ugly in us. What most people spent decades focusing on, they later realized it’s not as important as they thought. The people who were supposed to be right beside us are no longer here. Last year alone, we’ve experienced deaths unlike anything ever before in the twenty-first century of human history. We’re learning the importance of taking life minute by minute vs planning ahead for the wrong things. Our priorities, interests, and loyalties have changed and affected us in ways we can’t explain. These factors alone can shake or shift true friendships.
2) Growth
Growth is the big “G” word many people run from. This makes me think back to the beginning of this blog when I talked about the strait jacket phase in life. As your mindset shifts, and you’re learning how to pivot through these changes in life, you start to see the big picture. We’re all readjusting our mindsets for clarity, reprioritizing people in our lives, and releasing toxic habits and unhealthy behaviors to become better people. This means we’re moving at different paces and cannot compare our growth to others. Ask yourself, could your path to grow cause you to look and act different to the ones in your inner circle? Does this mean the dynamics of the relationship have changed? Let’s recap what we’ve discussed so we’ll have a clear visual of how crucial change and growth is in friendships and why we need to recognize it.
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Within a year’s time, you’ve looked around and noticed some people are friends, others are situationships in disguise, and a few have the potential to be a new friend. It didn’t take you long to spot who’s around you that may be a fair-weather friend, trauma bond-buddy, or an any means necessary chick. Perhaps by now you’ve distanced yourself from those people. Maybe as you were reading this blog you realized the most important question of all has yet to be answered.
In all honesty, as imperfect as you can be, do you know how to be a true friend yourself?
The answer to that question can give you clarity on how crucial change and growth is in friendships. There are three questions you can ask yourself to determine this.
1) Have there been times my attitude and behavior were toxic to others?
2) Do I make an honest effort to show up and express how much I care to my friends?
3) The same way that I expect forgiveness am I open to forgiving others and overlook minor things?
As you truly take some time to think about those questions, how is it making you feel? Keep this in mind, your inner peace and happiness is your responsibility, not others. If you decide you’re still better off being absent from some people, so be it, stand in that. However, if you decide you misjudged or mishandled a friendship, own up to your mistake and make strides to correct that. At the core of it, the foundation of a true friend is built on a few things. The following three can help:
1. Be a good communicator. No friendship can flourish without regular communication. Being mindful of this helps you avoid feeling like you’re burnt out or over-giving. Listen to your friends, respect their views, and commend them every chance you get. Everyone these days are doing the best they can.
2. Expand your circle of friends. Seeking friends of the same type can eventually present major problems. Learn to be seasoned, selective, and sincere in choosing true friends.
3. Embrace vulnerability. Show your friends how much you care and that you are there for them through favorable and unfavorable seasons. Reassure them that they can count on you.
Although 2020 was a “forget me not” year, the game of Truth or Dare revealed a lot to me about myself and those I called a true friend. I’ve always been one to seek the lessons and that is what helped me continue to be committed to my growth and evolve. I’m still from the old school era with some things but I had to ditch the “no new friends” motto because that mentality alone will stunt any growth. I’ve learned a valuable lesson through this, and some of the closest people to me are new friends. My hope is that you too can find some relatable pieces in this blog to help you readjust, reprioritize, and release. I literally have the biggest smile on my face writing this knowing my circle of friends will always evolve as I continue to stay true to myself.
How about you? Is your circle of friends getting smaller or bigger?
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About the Author:
Nikki is an author, writing confidante for many, and therapist to some. She’s obsessed with collecting elephants, shopping vintage items, and buying unique art pieces. When she’s not spending time with her family, she loves to read books, paint, and listen to music.
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