We wrote letters for years, regularly in our early to mid teens and then less so as we got older. At 18 I moved to university and then on to varying towns and cities and though our letters became less regular the foundation had been laid.

Friendship evolves so much as you get older. It’s harder to make friends, to stay in touch with those friends, to keep nurturing and growing those friendships. Life can get in the way, despite our best efforts.

My cynicism has never served me well. Throughout my life, I was touted as two things: the mean girl or the sarcastic girl. Both labels I wore proudly.

The truth is a global pandemic brought the world to its knees and dared us to act on what we were truly seeing. I have never felt so torn to watch so-called friends fall off like flies and new ones blossom like a fresh flower.

We all have at least one Lone Wolf in our circles – the self-sufficient queen (or king) of multitasking who never asks for help but is the first person to drop what they’re doing to help you.

If I had told my friend that I couldn’t get together because I had the flu, a migraine, or God forbid, I got in a car accident, I have absolutely no doubt that the response would have been sympathetic. So what gives? Why isn’t the response just as compassionate when it comes to mental health?

I believe most women want to support and empower one another. Yet, sometimes we end up doing the opposite. When a girlfriend calls brokenhearted, frustrated at work, or lonely, we carefully consider what we can say to help, but forget that our questions have the power to build one another up or wear one another down. As women, are we asking each other the right questions to support one another or are we unknowingly adding to the societal pressures on women to achieve it all and achieve it in the acceptable time frame?

I discovered this truth so profoundly stated by C.S. Lewis: “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art .... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” I did not require friendship to survive a seven month deployment. But friendship made the deployment bearable, and not only bearable, but life-giving and sweet, nurturing and redemptive.

I find ‘go-getter’ women have the hardest time with asking for or accepting help. I run and own a successful business, employ a small team, and manage our small farm. I’m the one typically hosting events, organizing groups, and dropping off the casseroles and helping wherever needed. When someone needs something - I fix it. But why was it so damn hard when it was my turn? Pride? Ego? It's all wrapped up in there somewhere.

I promised myself that when I got to the other side of grief I’d come alongside those just beginning with real support. I would offer helpful advice cultivated from my experience of healing, despite the lack of support I’d received from a confused and unprepared culture. Even more importantly, I didn’t want anyone to feel as lonely as I felt if I could help it.

While it’s definitely true that good can come out of loss, it’s not healthy to only view what’s gone in a negative light. If I completely dismiss the good that was lost just to make the whole ordeal less painful, it’s almost like I’m pretending that a portion of my life didn’t happen. I can’t live like that.

Many of us have friends who are friends of circumstance – the person who sits next to you at work, the mother who always arrives at child pick-up the same time as you, the girl in yoga class who hangs out near the back where you are. And due to the necessity of social convention, we keep those friends at arm’s length. As my daughter once said, "Imagine if you really tried to become true, deep friends with your neighbor and it turns out you don't like them - and then you live next to them for 25 years. It's so much easier to just smile and wave and invite them over for a birthday party." How right she is.

We've all seen the quote floating around our Instagram feeds: "Don't let the success of others threaten your own success." But what if we pushed further and went out of our way to support the success of those around us? Here are four quick steps to help you make it happen this week.

No matter who you are or what you do, always surround yourself with good friends. They will spot you through life’s challenges, they will give you warm companionship, and you will support them with love in return.

I wish I had learned about friendship years ago. I wish I hadn't cut people out. I wish I hadn't spent so many years feeling lost.