I Have Body Dysmorphia
Words and image by Abagail Pumphrey
I still remember the day I looked in the mirror and I no longer recognized myself. The perception of who I was inside no longer matched the image reflected back to me. I felt alone and afraid. My health was failing me and I was wandering down a slippery slope. If I didn’t address what was happening where would I end up? Dead felt like the answer.
As much as my health catapulted me into seeking a healthier lifestyle, what I was next confronted with was the most mind numbing experience. For as long as I could remember I’d battled binge eating, and over the years had gained over 125 pounds. I had an eating disorder or perhaps just disordered eating. I knew what it meant to be faced with feelings and be completely unconscious in my behavior. But now I was actually losing weight, I was making more conscious decisions and yet my reflection seemed to only get worse.
I didn’t understand how the scale could be going down and yet I’d feel so completely unchanged. Or on some days worse than I had when I was rapidly gaining weight. I was unknowingly suffering from phantom fat, a phenomenon some experience when they rapidly lose weight and have trouble embracing their new, slimmer shapes. More commonly associated with surgical weight loss patients, this was something I was not prepared for.
I was constantly confronted with this perceived image vs. reality. I’d try on clothes and consistently pick them out 2 to 4 sizes too big. On several occasions others had gifted me with clothes and upon receiving them I lashed out - accusing people I loved of buying me things that would never fit. They fit. By the time I’d lost 62 pounds and 65 inches I had gone from a size 22 to a 14, was smaller than my senior year of high school and yet still felt like the “Michelin Man”.
It was confusing and disorienting. For years I’d wanted to be slimmer. And not the oh, that would be nice to drop 5 pounds for the swimsuit season. But if I don’t do this I’m at major risk for a heart attack, kind of level of motivation. And now here I was smaller and more confused than ever.
I had to step back, I had to slow down. I think I unknowingly started self sabotaging, because the life I had once known felt more comfortable and in my control. Now I was getting attention, I was less invisible.
I wore my fat like armor. It was a shield from the outside world. It meant men would stop cat calling. It meant I could hide from society without people calling me out. I could go to the grocery store in peace and no one would even offer to help. Now slimmer and trimmer I was terrified of the attention. I didn’t even know how to react when my husband called me beautiful.
I felt ungrateful.
I put this all up on a pedestal. That the weight was the answer to all my problems. When in reality, each pound that melted off just let all the old feelings and buried hurt rise to the surface.
How am I supposed to lead others to a healthier lifestyle when I myself feel like the biggest mess ever. All I wanted was to help, but I didn’t have any answers.
It took 9 months for my eyeballs to somewhat acknowledge the changes in the mirror. It took a full year of weight loss before I thought to myself walking by the mirror that I looked beautiful. A full 16 months into my journey and I still pick up clothes thinking they will in no way fit my body.
I don’t have answers. I don’t have a pretty little bow. I’m still working on it. I’m still battling my own demons. I’m still figuring out what it means to be someone with both an eating disorder and body dysmorphia.
I’m weeding through the lies my own mind tells me. And slowing peeling back the layers of unaddressed guilt and shame. My perception is not reality. But there is hope.
About the Author:
Abagail Pumphrey is health and wellness advocate, brain injury survivor, and on a journey to lose 125 pounds. You can find her helping others pursue their own health journey through her wellness company, Simply Home. In her tenure she has worked with several Fortune 500 companies and has been featured in publications such as Forbes, Inc, Marie Claire, and Huffington Post.
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