My Battle with PCOS and PMDD
The Kindred Voice is no longer active. If you’d like to continue reading honest, vulnerable stories, please follow Sarah Hartley, former Editor in Chief of The Kindred Voice, in her free newsletter, Human Feelings.
Words by Rachel D.
Some days it's a gradual sadness or mental overwhelm. Other days, it comes in waves; unexpected and crippling. I often feel as if I can't think, can't move past the next task. Sometimes my whole body hurts, usually, my mind and heart hurt most. I am sensitive to the slightest noise and disturbance. It feels as if I've been put under a magnifying glass and everything inside of me is exposed. My children, my relationships, my work all become blurred, as I attempt to survive a battle nobody can see. I try to communicate my love, my commitment, my pain, and yet words spill out making little sense and only contributing to the confusion. These are the dark days that I refer to as "storms." These are the days I struggle with PCOS and PMDD.
Before this post, I have never talked openly about having these conditions, I think I've been afraid of sounding over-dramatic, of being judged. However, I've learned that discussing hard things creates a sort of validation. Not just for the speaker, but the listener as well.
PCOS is the lesser of the evils in my life, yet still a valid part of the story. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, and I've had it since I was 15 years old. It initially contributed to all the enemies of adolescence- the horrific hormonal acne, dark unwanted body hair, and irregular cycles. Everyone blamed the symptoms on adolescence, but they never went away. I still experience the crippling cramps that start a few days prior and bend me over with their intensity. Fertility issues are most commonly associated with PCOS (and can be treated), but sufferers can also experience:
-depression
-anxiety
-irregular cycles
-hirsutism
-acne
-thinning hair
-weight gain
-ovarian cysts
PCOS was just an annoyance, until it intensified in 2012. This is the year my youngest was born. Following her birth, my periods dwindled to once or twice a year and my weight went up quickly. Again, I was told that my body would adjust, but it never did. In 2018, I finally found a doctor who would take my condition seriously. She recommended metformin for PCOS. Within a year of taking this medication, I was able to lose weight successfully and get back my monthly cycles. It does not help with all symptoms, but it does relieve some.
The silver lining in my PCOS story is that I am a proud, single mama of two darlings. Both pregnancies unplanned, and I will forever be grateful for these two “surprises.” As with many PCOS suffers, I now have infertility contributed to by long-term PCOS. Even with regular cycles, I've been told I won't have any more children. I've heard several different versions of the infertility journey with PCOS, my outcome is not the same as others.
Beyond the fertility issue, however, is the knowledge that my body is truly done having children. Something in me broke after the birth of my youngest daughter. This is actually when the storms truly started.
Mentally and emotionally, my symptoms started 6-12 months after giving birth. There was a disconnect I could not put my finger on. As with many new mothers, I blamed the difference on postpartum. I even considered postpartum depression. I am naturally "high-strung" and have always been enthusiastic, adventurous, opinionated, and determined. These qualities seemed to fade away as my baby got older. I felt tired all the time, unmotivated, constantly overwhelmed, depressed, and agitated. I adored my daughter, but at the same time dreaded all the investment a young child requires. I felt guilty for this dread and then overwhelmed because of it. I tried talking about it with the people I trusted, yet no one had answers beyond, "don't be so hard on yourself," or "this won't last forever."
Deep down I knew something had happened, I simply could not describe it. My only rationale was that somehow this last baby had "broken me."
When the symptoms intensified past my daughter's third birthday, I started looking for answers. These new changes mentally and emotionally had me questioning everything in my life. Some days depression and anxiety would nearly cripple me, and there was no explanation for their occurrence. Some days I was unstoppable (my norm) and other days I was agitated, depressed, and unable to do normal things without great difficulty. I noticed a difference in my parenting, my friendships, and my relationships. I noticed a huge difference at work, as I would battle an intense fog that blinded me from all the details of the day.
In 2016, I finally received my answer- PMDD. This stands for premenstrual dysphoric disorder. As women, we are all too familiar with PMS symptoms. PMDD and PMS are similar but different. PMDD affects about 10% of us. It causes severe irritability, tension, depression, and anxiety in the week or two before your period. It can also cause:
-panic attacks
-volatile mood swings
-increased risk of interpersonal conflict
-crying often
-lack of interest in daily activities
-trouble thinking/focusing
-tiredness/low energy
-binge eating (intense cravings for salty and sweet foods)
-trouble sleeping
-inconsistent headaches
-joint pain
Image by Rachel D.
My PMDD kicks in about two weeks before my period. Two days prior, the symptoms are at their worst. Almost immediately I can notice a large difference in my emotional and mental capabilities. Finding out about PMDD has brought hope and validation, but also a deep loss. Something WAS/IS broken inside of me, and nobody knows how to fix it. Since receiving this diagnosis, I have stumbled upon many other women battling the same, if not worse conditions. Clinical information is scarce and vague, and many doctors (including mine) try to treat PMDD with antidepressants, birth control pills, and pain medication.
Knowing that the numbness associated with antidepressants would make me feel worse, I am choosing to fight this battle holistically. I don't endorse this for everyone, but I know this is the best option for me. Personal research has led to the following changes in my lifestyle:
-diet (keto, anti-inflammatory)
-supplement regimen (b-vitamins and immune builders)
-moderate physical activity (walking, mild cardio)
-more sleep (7+ hours a night)
-stress management
All of the above have been proven to help with PMDD symptoms. As time goes on, I have been able to come to terms that this might be my new normal. I have learned to pay close attention to the calendar and prepare as a soldier would for each two-week storm/battle. When the mental and emotional storm starts, I remind myself that this is a battle I can win. Interpersonal conflict does happen and after every encounter, I still grieve the loss of myself. PMDD does affect your parenting, intimate relationships, friendships, and work. However, hope is found in the ability to overcome these dark moments and all the other ones that we battle mentally and emotionally.
Some (not all) mental health issues may be hormone-related (as is the case with PCOS and PMDD). If any of these words sound familiar to you, I hope that you will value yourself and search for answers. Solutions are born from answers, and my hope is to one day claim both. For now, I am simply learning to thrive in the calm and storm.
About the Author:
Rachel is a single mama of two. She works full-time, is a student part-time, and dreams/writes all the time. She strongly believes in the power of honest conversation and story-telling. She is passionate about women's health, and helping others overcome. She enjoys deep conversations over morning coffee.