My Sober Curious Journey
Read Time: 5 Minutes
Words by Crystal James
It started on a whim: I decided to take a sober month. I didn’t have any specific reasons or concerns about drinking. Or at least I hadn’t acknowledged them yet. I had been using alcohol as a reprieve during the pandemic. A simple way to escape the monotonous day to day we had all been experiencing. After redefining cabin fever, I had a tiny whisper over the last several months to stop drinking but I simply ignored my inner voice. To be honest, that small voice might have been there since I was a teenager showing up in quiet waves especially after hangovers.
I didn’t set out to declare I am an alcoholic or I am sober or to declare anything at all about my relationship with alcohol. I simply realized it was time to regain some control. Control has always been a partner in my life. I had controlling rules surrounding my drinking: only drink on the weekends, never drink while solo-parenting, don’t let it affect my healthy living, never drive after, and the most important rule, never let it affect my parenting.
I had never allowed myself to become addicted to anything because my self-control was impeccable. Or was controlling myself an addiction? I kind of prided myself on this characteristic. I quit my bad habit of smoking cigarettes on a whim. Cold turkey! That was easy because I had always disliked the appearance of smoking and not to mention the long term side effects. As soon as I started smoking, I knew it would come to an end by the time I was done with college. I had quit meat on a whim. I watched a few documentaries on the meat industry and quit immediately, for a year. Prior to becoming a mom, I would quit drinking coffee for months at a time because “I didn’t want anything controlling me.” I even quit my best friend. That’s a story for another time.
Over the years, my “rules” worked most of the time but the thing about alcohol is that it can’t be controlled the way I thought. There’s many other factors involved: mood, sunshine, dehydration, empty stomach, mental health. Everything is a spectrum and while trying to balance all of that with a mind that isn’t clear, there’s bound to be mistakes. I found myself with a running list to balance: be sure to snack in between drinks, stop after two, be sure to drink water in between drinks, drink extra water while spending the day at the lake, only drink on the weekends. The problem is that when you start drinking, those rules become relaxed. With all of those rules to keep up on, is drinking really worth it? Is it really relaxing me? If I broke one of my own drinking rules I’d feel shameful the next morning.
The first week was easy enough. Except I had this tiny ache for something to take the edge off of parenting. After a long day with two adorable monsters, I found myself wanting something but I couldn’t pinpoint what that ache was. I had a craving. Not in a sense of withdrawals from the booze (or what I assumed withdrawals were) but in a way of searching through cupboards for a tiny dose of something; happiness or calmness perhaps. A tiny dose of relaxation. My cupboards were full of options but nothing appealed to me.
I was proud of myself for warding off those cravings but I still found myself searching for something. I decided that something needed to be self-care. I needed a little happy list. On a bright pink sticky note I wrote: a piece of dark chocolate, hot tea with honey, pet a sleeping dog, sneak away for five minutes, have a snack break, care for my nails, put on my favorite lotion, find my lavender satchel. I found small ways to feel good. At the same time, I committed to daily writing and working out. And with exercise comes eating healthier and staying hydrated. I was naturally feeling better.
I began to question my relationship with alcohol. Why do I even drink? Is drinking serving me? Should I quit for good? Do I really feel better? Can I go into the world without drinking? The last question was especially important because the atmosphere around me at most times involved drinking. I don’t mean everyone is an alcoholic. I have a skewed view of alcoholism because I grew up watching the extreme version. So I knew I would never turn into that and most people can handle drinking a few times per week and function properly in life.
However, I couldn’t think of one sober person. Then I had a thought that maybe I’m the link, not everyone else. I started realizing many of my friends don’t typically drink every weekend. I started realizing when I’m around people, my first thought is: When is it beer thirty? It was mostly a joke but I no longer wanted my alcohol consumption to be the butt of the joke or to be used as a cure all.
As I approached the last weekend of my initial commitment, I was feeling down for no particular reason. I thought to myself, I quit drinking, why can’t I feel “normal.” I guess I had thought that if I quit drinking my problems would be solved. I had to face the reality that there’s no easy fix for trauma or anxiety or feelings in general. After sitting with this slight disappointment, I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t blame alcohol for my problems but drinking was still problematic at times.
At this point, I started to see my drinking for the reality that it was over my lifetime. I started seeing all the times I pushed it too far, all the times I tried to keep up with men double my size, all the times I used it to cure my anxiety. I saw flashes of the true reality of my state of being while drinking. Since becoming a mother, I didn’t get hammered as often as I did in the before times. Occasionally, it happened though. Mommy deserves a night off once a year to let loose. In retrospect, I should be able to find that relaxing freedom in non-alcoholic ways and more often than once a year.
When I began this sober curious month, I wasn’t expecting a journey or any conclusions to be made. I was expecting to feel nothing and to pick up a bottle of wine (or two) on the first weekend of the following month. On Instagram I was planning to post a cute photo of myself holding up my wine glass with a caption saying, “I missed you, wine!”
I may have started this journey on a whim but it has been anything but impulsive. Rather, it has been a constant decision not to be impulsive. It has been a constant decision not to take the easy route. Now, it is with careful consideration to continue this journey of self-discovery.
About the Author:
Crystal is a stay at home mom of two. She is a writer, poet and artist. She believes in the power of being vulnerable with an open heart. This honest approach to writing will help her heal, grow, and help others along the way.