My Year of Mental Wellness
Words by Brittany Forbes
It's been an entire year since I went to war against my mental health.
I feel like I could speak forever on the bad times, the pain inside my own head that comes out of nowhere and strikes me down. I could share story after story of therapists and tears and panic attacks that would make your insides turn. I could describe all the ways I have wanted to die and I can tell you about how grateful I am that I had zero energy to even try. Anxiety and panic can change a person into someone they don't even recognize. This has been true for me, certainly.
But frankly, I am exhausted of that being my story. I'm tired of my brain feeling sick. I'm tired of feeling like I need to prove that I'm ill even when I look fine on the outside. I'm tired of my anxiety and panic being the most interesting things about me.
It's been difficult. My baby steps have been so teeny tiny at times that they would be unnoticeable to most. But every time I take a step forward, I can feel my entire life shifting. In trying to manifest greatness in my every day, I've started taking a look at the same issues but from a new perspective.
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Panic attacks, for me, began in my mid-20's, seemingly out of nowhere and they still happen now. But last summer was a particularly trying time and something broke in me. It was the first time I felt like change was possible.
So I've spent the last year on a mission to change the way I live, not so that my anxiety will be gone -- although what a dream that would be -- but so that when it comes, I don't lose myself completely.
I don't have any clue how to solve panic attacks. But I'm able to lean into what makes me happy, so that's what I aim for. My goal is to take small steps towards all the things that feel good for me, not towards banishing my 'issues'.
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I listen to myself more these days. I let my feelings come up when they need to. The negative ones I let pass by and the healthy ones, I let stay. I pay attention to the things that light me up. What activities do I get lost in? What do I start and then stop over and over again? What wraps me up with warmth? Where do I feel most like I belong?
Yoga helps and so does meditation. The overall idea of both of those activities is that you are simply taking time a time out and getting closer to your authentic self. It's just you and your mat. Your body, your mind, and your beating heart.
Making friends has changed my life. Allowing myself to connect instead of pushing everyone away has saved me on numerous occasions. Anxiety can make you feel isolated and you think that no one else could ever possibly understand you. You end up isolating yourself when what you need most is to not feel so alone. So, I have vowed to put effort into connection.
I travel when I can. It helps me feel empowered and traveling solo, like I do, always gives me a chance to rely on myself, which builds up self-trust and self-respect and those things have been so powerful in helping me combat my mental health.
I try to flow with the seasons, the moon cycles, the weather, my period. I've come to realize that there tends to be a beginning and an end to things. And of course, always a middle. If I just stop trying to control everything all the time, the weight upon my mind eases up.
The key for me has been that when I find something that makes me feel better, I don't become consumed with it, expecting it to solve all my problems and heal my mind. Instead, I think of it as -- simply, but powerfully -- adding joy to my life.
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My panic attacks haven't stopped and my anxiety is always present. As a kind colleague told me one night at work after I had a panic attack in front of him, "It's been years since this kind of thing started happening to you. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to make it all go away over night."
I think about that comment often.
I don't know if there will ever come a time when I simply won't feel bogged down by anxiety anymore. But in the meantime, learning myself, who I know I am deep down, feels like it drowns out the bad, bit by bit and that feels like absolute freedom.
So, a year on, I celebrate my mental health. It sounds twisted but in trying to see the good, I can't honestly say that I'd be as motivated in life if not for the obstacles. If I had never had a panic attack, would I have paid so much attention to myself? Would I have felt the same urge to deep dive into all of my parts to see what I am all about at my core?
I'm happy to say that I've gone from fighting against my anxieties to fighting for myself, and that feels like something worth celebrating every second of the day.
About the Author:
Brittany is a writer and life coach who currently spends her working hours in Canada and her dreaming hours in London. She believes in wild ideas, kinds words, and loving yourself deeply. She writes about travels and various other journeys on her blog, Letters To Rayelle.