Taking Back the Power From Heartbreak
Words by Magnolia-Rose
I’ve been stuck in the past, sprinting through the present, and rushing to the future. I can’t get to the future fast enough, I can’t seem to appreciate and relish in the present long enough to truly look forward to the future. This has been my mental space, just about every day for the last few years and I am tirelessly working towards being present, literally, in the moment and not one second behind it or before it. It is not easy but truly the present is where I am, it’s where you are, it’s where we are, and yet I dance battle with the past and the future for my present. It’s sad…I know. I imagine you can relate. Living in the moment is a choice and one to be practiced. This anxiousness for the future and this tendency to bask in the past stems from heartbreak.
My heart has been broken a few times unfortunately, each time it was devastating and sent me on a mental and emotional roller coaster that has been the marathon I wish I had never begun.
The most recent heartbreak brought me to new lows I was not acquainted with and brought out parts of me I did not know existed. This heartbreak catapulted me into a mental and emotional frenzy filled with lies, desires, and realities unwanted. My heart, the wellspring of my soul and deeply connected to my mind became a mess! The stress of an unfulfilled relationship, the reality of my desired one in the arms and the lovemaking waves of another, with the adventures for the rest of this life agonized me, and the unknowing of when another would capture my heart and put my fleeting desire to rest seems to leave me restless. The disappointment that he and I can’t be together, at times, felt like it would kill me. I was, as some say, a HOT MESS. I played our past times together on repeat in my head. I literally would get sensations from the reflections and tears would fill my eyes and oceans developed where I laid sobbing. I became intoxicated by our past and the present reality that we had delved into a discourse with the hope to heal, yet this exchange we entertained became a sweeping pit for me, a very dark place.
During this time and even now, when I’m not attentive, my mind may swell with lies telling me: I’m not worthy of love, I’m not good enough, I’m never going to be married, I’ll never find someone like him or better, I’m crazy, I’ll always be alone, my clock is ticking and I need to hurry up and fix this…BE ANXIOUS, BE ANXIOUS, BE ANXIOUS. Yet my goal is to take a time out to take each thought one by one and hold it next to truth and then cast the lie out of my mind and reject how it’s making me feel. For so long though, I believed the lies, I felt so low, so insecure about myself. I couldn’t see the present clearly, the past seemed better and I wanted us to just pick up where we left off and remember all the good and make the present better, and move into the future together, but that couldn’t be and it hurts so much!
My mind was frozen in shock mode, captivated by this being that I was so into, loved, cared for deeply, and was genuinely interested in. He had indeed become a memory and any hope for a present and a future with him had been put to rest. Put to sleep, when I was finally brave enough to tell him so, to tell him the truth but to no avail.
For the longest time, I could not think about much else but him on and off. I just couldn’t believe it, that for once, an opportunity was there for us to communicate candidly and tell each other the truth, and we couldn’t do anything more with it. It’s like reading the introduction of a book, being excited to read the book, and know what may be the end result but you find that all the pages beyond the introduction have been ripped out and you can’t find them because they don’t exist for this edition, it stops at the introduction. That’s how it was for me with him. This captivating soul that took my heart hostage unknowingly, released it but couldn’t heal it, not at all. He had moved on and this was our reality, our present, and it sucks! I’ve asked so many questions, contemplated scenarios, been upset, disappointed, and ridiculously yet legitimately sad to the very deepest depths of myself, my soul.
I’ve suffered mental fatigue, oppressive thoughts, waves of sorrow, and mental spirals where I was so deep, I couldn’t see the way out and felt like I had no escape. Because of the raw pain and the constant mental beating by reengaging the disappointment of the past, present, and future, my mind became a battlefield of lie and truth arrows. Fueled by reality and hope.
Now, I’m learning to release and trust, and rest in the present because the past cannot be regained, the future is yet to come, and the present is all we have. I’ve realized that my mind had a lot to do with how I processed my heartache. While the feelings came and went, the thoughts held them there a lot longer than was healthy for me. Healing is a process which I remain still embarked upon. All in all, I had lost myself between my heart and my mind, the ache that the heartbreak caused felt unbearable and it suffocated me. Somehow in the midst of these messy heartbreak waves, I’m learning how to erode the lies and regain my mental space, healthy and happy while my ache fades away.
About the Author:
Magnolia-Rose is a woman on a gracious mission.