Cultivating Your Personal Garden
Words by Holly Tucci
In January 2015, I had my most recent heart surgery, one of many resulting from being born with a heart condition. It brought about a near-death experience, a very difficult recovery, and the inner knowing that I needed to do things differently from that moment if I was going to survive.
My weight nearly cost me my life.
That’s why when I now think of what it means to grow, I think of my personal journey of looking within. I get the image in my head of what it looks like tending to a garden and the significant amount of work, energy, care, and nurturing that is needed before even the smallest green sprout will ever emerge through the dirt. In the same way a gardener tends to their garden is how one must nurture their own heart, spirit, and soul to grow with the ever- changing elements and challenges.
When I first set out on my journey to be my best self 14 years ago, I began in my own proverbial dirt. The first task was recognizing and acknowledging how depleted, exhausted, and depressed I was. I had been kidding myself for years, and now was the time to get completely real and true. I began asking myself questions such as, “Why was I feeling this?” and “What am I going to do to change it?”
I didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t like what I felt. I didn’t like the direction I was headed. While there were a lot of things that led me to that depleted place -- being the martyr, putting others' needs before mine, and the continual need to please -- it was my own pain and comfort that kept me there, for more than a decade. Until I began to realize my depletion was impacting others and most importantly, me.
Emerging from the water of the Seattle Danskin Triathlon two years later, I remember the heaviness of my then-320- pound body, going from horizontal and buoyant in the water to vertical, upright, and somehow needing to move forward. Feeling so very ugly, ginormous, and wondering why the heck I was doing this triathlon... but at the same time, I couldn’t imagine not doing it.
I felt shame and pride at the same time. But I wore the shame on my sleeve and felt pure dread. The anticipation of having to still bike 12 miles and then run-walk 3.1 miles felt awful. Yet I kept moving. What I knew for sure was I did not want to continue feeling what I felt that day.
There would be continued struggles, pain, sadness, depression, and many dark days. There would also be happy moments and joyful days. It would not be for years to come that I would begin to look within and do the work.
The tools I learned through “process improvement” during my time working in project management would later become pivotal in helping my garden to flourish. Through this learning and application of new tools at work, I started to think about how I could apply these concepts to myself and asking, “How will I become better today?”
That question is how all of my inner growth has been primed ever since. Growth was something I had longed for, yearned for, and wanted more for myself. I knew I needed to do things differently, but I was not really sure how to begin. I knew I needed help. I needed to grow in a whole new way. I needed to do life differently. That’s what I did.
My new way of living originated with the focus on who I wanted to be and what I would grow into. I wanted to be healthy, so I began emulating healthy behaviors and actions each day. I wanted to think healthy thoughts, so I spoke words of love and affirmation to myself. I created to- do lists, action plans, and journaled regularly in addition to working with my therapist. I wanted to be a WAY better version of me so that I could feel like I was actually living instead of just getting by.
I saw the damage I had done and its lasting effects. I also saw the possibilities I could cultivate. I began tending to my own garden. Envisioning a new me - a stronger, healthier, happier version of me brought a smile to my face. I visited that image each day! I implemented my practice of self-care. Daily action, hard work, and focus helped me to nurture and sustain this new way of living. Everything I did was centered around growing the new me.
I was finally reaching up and out toward the shining sun.
Growth is ongoing and continual. To see it and feel it requires a practice of reflection. Just like a garden needs regular tending and care, so do we. As I crossed the finish line of my very first marathon, I felt myself growing with each step! I continue to reflect on the experiences I’ve had, and they often teach me new lessons when I look at them in a different light. As long as I am living, I will continue growing. Each day offers abundant opportunities to learn and grow, and the cool thing is that we get to choose what will make our own garden more beautiful and radiant!
** Editor’s Note: This essay first appeared in Issue 20 of Holl & Lane Magazine. **
