How Quarantine Revived My Marriage
Words by Denise Pesavento
“I love him. I’m just not sure I like him right now.”
Those were my thoughts in March 2020 at the start of the stay-at-home experiment. A couple weeks went by before jokes began to circulate - couples will come out of this experience pregnant or divorced. Pregnancy was out of the question for me. Our family is complete and content as a party of five plus one over-sized canine.
It is impossible to appreciate the combined joy and strain that children put on a relationship until they come into this world. Then it slaps a couple in the face. In every aspect of parenting each and every kid - it has never been done before. We go in blind, and try not to let our kids in on the fact that most of the time we have no idea what we are doing. As a couple, we try to keep the family ship afloat. If we are lucky, with some intention and a lot of humor - we may even be able to steer it in the right direction.
At the beginning of shelter in place, our ship was sinking. My husband and I were annoying each other or otherwise avoiding each other. We shared one word exchanges. I mentally escaped to the familiar voices of podcast hosts that whispered to me through my ear buds. He zoned out in front of the TV. We took care of the kids mostly in the form of a tag team effort.
Almost weekly we got into one big blow up confrontation, followed by silence, avoidance, and eventually mutual regret, hurt and repentance, neither of us feeling seen or understood by the other. It was dark and miserable. He said mean things to me. I did hurtful things to him. We were causing each other pain, and neither of us knew how to chase away the quiet aggressions that lingered between us.
Perspective in life helps. Our kids were healthy. We had a roof over our heads. Was it so bad? Also considering how hard it can be to get along with other humans on a good day, was it any surprise we were struggling? This was normal. Or was it?
Consider this hypothetical: If when you were getting married you were told you would have to spend every moment in the house together with your spouse and three kids, would you sign up? Most would not. It would be a toss up for me.
Here’s the thing. I love my kids. I need my husband.
I need a partner in life. I need my person. I need him. When our relationship falters, mothering becomes extremely difficult. I believe that our partnership is the center of our family from which love flows out to our children. I do not want a co-parent. I want a life partner and best friend.
Marriage is not a perfect relationship in which two people are always on the same page or perfectly compatible in every way. One person likes a tightly made bed while the other one wants to be able to wiggle his toes without restriction. While the differing preferences can cause aggravation, they are not deal breakers. I do not expect my husband to be everything to me at all times. I have girlfriends, sisters, and my own mom for that. But there should be one non-negotiable at the foundation of every marriage: mutual love and respect for each other. We have to LIKE each other.
In March, as businesses closed and front doors shut, I was not sure I liked my husband. The feeling was mutual.
While proponents of perspective would argue that our marital tension was circumstantial, I knew better. It wasn’t.
It was impossible to deny. The tension bubbling to the surface was not new. What was new now? Our circumstances were forcing us to face it. We could not distract, deflect, or distance ourselves from the stickiness that our relationship had stepped into.
We had a choice: keep fighting the same fight getting nowhere or take a detour.
A few days after an exceptionally ugly and hurtful argument, my husband joined my online therapy sessions. I thought involving him in some of my efforts to work through my own issues may help us work better together through ours.
Therapy has been a friend to me throughout motherhood. It has helped me address common motherhood struggles that have wreaked havoc on me emotionally and mentally - mom guilt, anger, perfectionism - just to name a few. Frankly, I am a better mom because of the support I got for myself when my kids were younger.
Eventually, I felt like I had enough tools to stop therapy, and I did well without the additional support. Then things shifted. About a year ago, I found myself curled up on my bathroom floor feeling helpless. A voice deep within whispered, “Get up. Get help.”
I did.
I was back in therapy working to dive deeper into myself in order to unpack the anger and resentment that were causing pain. Most of us can benefit from a bit of unraveling. While much of this process is meant to be inward and independent, I often felt alienated from my family and my husband. Arguments would easily collapse into the simplified conclusion, “I am the one with the problems,” or “This is because of me.”
I felt at once like the problem and the solution. In my view, I was the only one trying to be better, to show up differently for my family and my marriage. With time, I found myself enveloped in a heavy blanket of resentment too cozy to let go.
Blame. Shame. Resentment. Anger. Ingredients to the recipe of irreconcilable differences threatening to destroy a family. In March, I was priming my kitchen to serve this dish up family style.
When my husband offered to join me in therapy, doubts swirled in my mind. Would he take it seriously? Would he relax enough to have a productive conversation? Would he open up? Would he get mad or defensive? Would he keep showing up? I did not have answers. I did not ask these questions. I just showed up. So did he.
An amazing thing happens when a third party neutral perspective takes a guest seat in a relationship that has become tangled in its own web of disconnect, misunderstanding, and pain. The web begins to untangle. The third party is not an arbitrator or a negotiator, but rather an observer, and at best, a translator.
This outside presence, in the company of two people who truly love each other enough to bring life into this world helps to shine light in the places that have grown dark. After just a couple of weeks, I noticed my husband and I laughing more and enjoying each other. Conversations that brought disagreement did not escalate. There was a renewed quiet understanding between us. It had always been there, but we had stopped reaching for it. It said, “You’re my person. You are safe. We’re okay.”
It was as if, suddenly, a switch flipped. Washing dishes one evening, it hit me. Were the adverse circumstances of quarantine actually the catalyst to health and healing within my marriage?
As human beings, we resist change. We enjoy the comfort of the known even if underneath it lies a slowly aching discontent. Change is not possible until we hit our threshold of tolerance. Life pre-quarantine, as my husband and I were functioning in it, enabled us to maintain the status quo. We were busy. We were working. He was traveling. The kids needed us. We might wonder when in doubt: Was it really so bad? No. It was not so bad, AND not so good. All of this prevented us from confronting the truth that we were beginning to dislike each other.
Our time at home made reviving our marriage easier. There were no scheduling conflicts to get in the way of making a therapy session. There were no easy excuses disguised as legitimate obligations. Now on Wednesday mornings, I turn to my husband and say, “I’m about to get on our call. Are you joining today?” And he does. The circumstances that exacerbated pain and hurt in my marriage proved to be the very ones that brought us back to love and healing together. It is not perfect. No marriage is. But we are moving through it hand in hand.
Quarantine will lead to bigger families or broken families. Here is a third story. Quarantine will lead to stronger families with deeper bonds, closer connections, slower paces, and renewed love.
I love my husband. I like my husband. The feeling is mutual. We will be ordering in from now on.
About the Author:
Denise is a former speechwriter turned wellness coach and fitness instructor. She loves early morning runs, a great sense of humor, hand written notes, and power naps. When she's not reminding her kids to put their dishes in the sink and make their beds, she enjoys writing about family life, self-compassion, and healthy lifestyle habits.
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