My Antidote for Depression and Anxiety
Words and images by Lindsey Lugsch-Tehle
Throughout my life I have struggled with depression and anxiety.
I was initially diagnosed with minor/moderate depression when I was 18 years old and then again in my early 30s. Minor/moderate depression is sort of difficult to explain. It isn’t major depression or bipolar disorder; there are not specific symptoms to point to and say, “look, see, I’m sick”—rather, it is more of a low level undertone of lethargy and disconnection that I felt in relation to people and life in general.
My relationships with friends and family suffered, which left those closest to me wondering what was going on. It can be hard for someone who has never had such an experience to relate, and at times people have said to me “it isn’t like there is ‘actually’ something wrong with you or your life”. I get it. I do. Unless you have lived it, it is really difficult to understand. I don’t even understand most of the time, and I’m the one living the challenge.
With anxiety it has been a little bit different. I have never been diagnosed, and I have only been struggling with it for the last six years; however, it has been a bit more of a burden than depression ever was. Essentially everything in life became a task on my endless to-do list—from making dinner and doing laundry to connecting with friends and talking with my husband—and as such I became very transactional with people—lacking emotional connection and vulnerability—when I deeply wanted to be relational.
My depression and anxiety seemed to feed each other. It was as though I moved through life experiencing disconnection and overwhelm, following a winding path away from myself. This showed up in my life in many ways, none more noticeable than in my work as an entrepreneur; it is easy to get swept up in the hype that in order to make it we must “hustle”. But I’m not so sure.
My journey to lift the fog of depression and remove the chains of anxiety had led me to believe that there is a major difference between trying to force things to happen through busy work and being actively engaged in my craft from a place of flow. For me, the former is hustle, it is out of sync with the rhythm of life from a place of scarcity, fear, and control—it is exhausting. The latter is heart and alignment, it is moving with the rhythm of life from a place of gratitude, humility, and trust—it is life-giving. Engaging in life from a place of scarcity and control has only ever increased my symptoms of depression and anxiety, while engaging in life from a place of gratitude and trust has lessened their hold on me enabling me to actually do the things I long to do and be the person I long to be.
So how did I make this shift from hustle to heart? Beauty.
“Our joy in the Beautiful is as native to us as our breath.”
Do you have to convince yourself of gladness at the sound of your favorite song or the smell of your favorite food? Do you have to talk yourself into serenity at the sight of a glorious sunrise or, perhaps, ducklings? I imagine the answer is no; even with my depression and anxiety I still found solace in a sunrise and a street taco. The beauty of such experiences instantly ignites a grounding joy in our veins that we cannot deny—it brings us home. In the same way that we need not be conscious of our breath to breathe, we do not need to be conscious of that which is beautiful to be enlivened by it. However, the more conscious of beauty we become, the more meaningful our experience of it is.
“What delights us in visible beauty is the invisible.”
It is that ethereal, ephemeral, indescribable thing that makes the beautiful beautiful—the spirit that pervades and animates all of life. We see it all around us when we beautify our gaze: the way the light paints trees following a late afternoon storm; the majesty of snow peaked mountains as seen from flying high above; the pure joy on a child’s face when first learning to walk, ride a bike, drive; the sound of birds welcoming the morning; the smell of freshly brewed coffee. As we awaken to the beauty around us, we prepare the way to awaken to the beauty within us—for each of us is beautiful, is noble, is whole.
The process of awakening to our own beauty invites us to consider the nobility of our own souls, a wholeness that is latent within. In this awakening there is a surrender—we effortlessly release our forced struggle—for in this surrender we are held by the promise of our own best selves. In this surrender we move from a place of scarcity to a realm of abundance, from a state of malnourishment to a life of nourishment, from an addiction to glamor to a healthy appetite for beauty. Beauty is a gentle force that beckons us to our highest selves and instills a quiet confidence born of trust and faith—trust in the larger sweeping rhythm of life and faith in our own capacity to navigate through life, one step at a time.
“Beauty calls us beyond ourselves and it encourages us to engage the dream that dwells in the soul.”
Recognizing our inherent beauty is a catalyst for our calling, inviting it out into the world. Our own beauty stirs our purpose within us and provides us with the energy and is, itself, the volition we need to engage in our soul’s work in the world. This has been the antidote to my depression and anxiety. When I honor beauty and express all that is noble within—from a place of gratitude, humility, and trust—I am no longer held captive by the feelings of scarcity, fear, and control that locked me away in the first place. Instead, I find myself home.
“When we experience the Beautiful, there is a sense of homecoming.”
About the Author:
Lindsey is a lover of light. With a deep affinity for all things awe-inspiring, she strives to capture moments of beauty with her paintbrush and camera lens—both languages that transcend syllables and sounds.
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