Kids and Grief During a Pandemic
Words by Laura Beaver
Ever since the pandemic started, my kids refuse to go to bed before 9 p.m. I have four children ages 8 and under, who all also rise before 7 a.m., so you can be very sure that by 7 p.m., I am D.O.N.E. When 9 p.m. rolls around and I hear the door creak, followed by little footsteps pattering down the hall, it takes everything within me to not go completely nuts. I should mention, we are on day 70 of this global pandemic, so it feels like an eternity that we’ve spent one-fifth of each day putting children to bed.
Why does this matter? Why am I sharing my bedtime woes with you? Because the other night, the little feet came with big tears. Our six-year-old came to me bawling and said, “I’m just so sad. I don’t know why. I’m just so sad.” It made my heart swell, my eyes well up, and woke me up to the suffering my children are facing in the midst of this bizarre season of our lives.
I admittedly have spent most of our time at home telling my children “it isn’t a big deal,” “we’ll do that another time,” or “this is not worth being upset about.” Except for one thing: it is all worth being upset about to them. My kids are grieving. The number one thing I’ve learned is this: I have to stop expecting my kids to respond with the maturity and perspective of an adult. I didn’t set out to do this, but I somehow got there.
Here is how I am trying to set myself right and recognize and validate their grief:
1) Get on their level.
I mean physically get on their level. Too often, I am up and about directing, talking, demanding, etc. It helps me so much to physically get down on their level to talk with them. It softens my heart, builds my compassion, and makes me more understanding with just this simple move.
2) Gain some perspective.
I have expected my kids to just “get over” the fact that they don’t see their friends, won’t get to have a birthday party, didn’t finish school at school, and on and on and on. Why? Because from my perspective, I see the global impact of everything and a birthday party feels pretty trivial right now. That is not the case for them. Nearly everything about their world has turned upside down. It’s normal for them to be sad, disappointed, upset, anxious, angry, ect., which leads to. . . .
3) Allow emotions to be expressed.
Yep. I just let them be sad, angry, anxious, disappointed, excited, and everything in between in the way that makes the most sense to them. It’s not always talking about it. My oldest can journal. My second born likes to draw about things. My son has bursts of anger and whining for seemingly no reason, but I assure you there is a very valid reason under there. He just can’t name it. We’ve all had our moments. I try to remind myself they are just moments. And after the moment, we talk about it. Grief and loss show up in weird ways, and I remind myself of that when our days are really hard and behaviors are all over that place.
4) Establish a routine.
Within 24 hours, our entire family routine was nonexistent. My kids need a routine though. They take comfort and security in knowing what to expect from each day. So, we made a routine. They did much better when they knew what came next in the day.
5) Be completely present at the moment I’m in.
This is the biggest one for me. I find that when I am constantly thinking about other things: work, friends, family, the news, money, etc. I have less empathy and compassion for my children. When I force myself to practice being completely present in whatever moment I am in, I am a much better parent (and wife and employee for that matter). I find myself truly seeing and hearing my kids rather than feeling like I just need to get through the day. When they feel heard and seen, they are able to process things and move on much faster. It’s very eye opening for me.
At the end of the day, I want my kids to feel safe and loved, despite the chaos in the world around them. When I found myself suddenly juggling everything from our home, including their school work, I moved into a survival mode that didn’t allow the space for my kids to process what was going on. They needed that, and they still need that as we move forward. They are watching us to see what we do and how we respond. I want them to watch and feel safe, secure, and loved enough to share what is going on with them so that they can grow up and do the same for others.
About the Author:
Laura is a wife to her husband, Matt, of 12 years and a mom of four. Like many other women she knows, she struggled to figure who she is in the midst of constant life changes that parenting, marriage, and working bring. She founded Courage & Community out of that struggle. Courage & Community exists to help women step out of isolation and into a community of encouragement and support. Through connections developed online and in-person, we strive to show that you are never alone in life.
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