Divorce Was My Open Door
Words by Heather Sweeney
On Monday, April 15, 2019, I opened up an e-mail sent at 9:38 a.m. that morning with the subject “Guess What?”.
It was from my lawyer.
I opened it at 10:41 a.m. and I read the following message: “You are officially divorced. Date of Divorce is April 4, 2019. I will send over the Decree shortly.”
I will never forget that moment. I was sitting on a hard, wooden bar stool in my kitchen. As I read those three short sentences, I could feel my body get warmer, my chest tighten, my jaw clench, saliva pooling in my mouth, and my eyes beginning to burn and blink rapidly as they prepared to unleash a flood gate of tears. In that moment, I felt so raw, so empty, and so very, very sad. I also felt confused.
When I awoke that morning and started my day, I had no idea I would find myself crying so hard that my eyes would be nearly swollen shut before noon.
You see, I had been waiting for this news. This day was to be a day of celebration!
But even when you are parting amicably, going through the process of a divorce is sheer hell. Everything that was once done has to be undone. And undoing, my friends, is mentally and physically exhausting. Every day leading up to THIS day I felt like I was ripping off another band-aid, having one extremely hard conversation after the next. The burn and the deep sting of knowing you are hurting someone you once were in love with, someone you expected would be your teammate for life, can bring even the strongest to their knees. So of course, I had been fully expecting to receive this news of my divorce being final and to feel like I wanted to put on my best little black dress, slide my perfectly pedicured feet into my highest heels, throw a party, dance, and pop bottles of champagne with my girlfriends to celebrate.
But like my friend Karen Kenney once said, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Ain’t that the truth.
Instead of a party, I found myself feeling completely and unexpectedly broken.
Instead of bottles of champagne, I sat surrounded by piles of wet, tear soaked, and snotty tissues. There was no disco ball or dance music. There was no dress or high heels.
To say I was thrown for an emotional loop would be an understatement.
I remember at one point standing up from that hard, wooden stool to get a glass of cold water. But as I walked to the sink, one hand navigating along my counter to hold me up, I found myself needing to just let my body slip down, my back against the cabinets, until my broken self touched down to the ground, and I laid on my cold kitchen floor in the fetal position, choking for air, a puddle of tears below me. The gravity of it all quite literally had pushed me to the lowest point.
Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes, another opens, but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
My tears were not tears of regret. They were tears of loss, an ending, such finality. I was not crying thinking, “What have I done?” OR “How do I fix this?” OR "How do I reopen that door?”. I was crystal clear on this life-changing decision.
My tears were tears of mourning. Mourning the end of 8 years of marriage, 13 years of a relationship, and ALL that comes with that. Mourning the end of my married self, the loss of my identity as I had known it for what felt like a lifetime. Mourning the end of my children knowing their mom and dad as they once had. With just one, simple e-mail and three short sentences, it had all ended. The door had been closed.
Ironically enough, April 15th, the day I received the e-mail, was also the day of my first date with my now ex-husband. The Universe sure has a funny way of showing up sometimes.
Thankfully, that morning, I found my strength and picked my broken self up off the cold kitchen floor and in the hours, days, and weeks that followed, I began to see the new beginning in it all, the newly opened door. Behind that door was hope and happiness and a field of endless possibility where I would get to create my new space, my new story, my new amazing life, and our new version of family.
And that, my friends, is exactly what I have been doing. Consciously and intentionally creating this one life I get to live. Consciously and intentionally choosing happiness. Consciously and intentionally loving each gift of a day!
When life throws you for an emotional loop, when the gravity of a situation literally pushes you down, when you find yourself in a puddle of tears on a cold kitchen floor, there is an opportunity to get back up.
Get yourself back up every damn time.
Find that newly opened door leading to YOUR field of endless possibility and run, walk, or crawl if you must, to get through it.
YOU have everything YOU need to create YOUR life.
Choose happiness.
Love each gift of a day.
About the Author:
Heather Sweeney is a Wellness Coach, Registered Nurse, and the creator of Dive In, a blog packed with stories meant to motivate and inspire. She believes in the good, being kind, spreading love, creating happiness, giving back, and all things adventurous. Heather is a small town girl with a giant vision to positively impact the lives of as many individuals as possible around the globe.
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