My False Façade of Happiness
Read Time: 3 Minutes
Words by Katia Navarro Alamán
The first human contact we have is with our family. Usually our first friends tend to be our siblings or cousins because we grow up together. Our family is supposed to be the place where we feel safe, loved, and accepted. The place where we can truly express who we are and be authentic.
But what happens when you feel restricted or you feel if you communicate how you feel, there will be an unwanted reaction?
I can’t think of something in particular that made me feel this way in my own family, but ever since I can remember, I’ve been described as the happy child and would often be compared to the cartoon of SpongeBob. All I heard about me was ‘she is always happy’, ‘she always has a smile on her face’, ‘she is the perfect daughter’, ‘she is always willing to help others’. Always, always, always.
I would hear that word like a broken record and it would echo in the crevices of my mind. I suppose because I heard it quite often, I introjected that description of myself and built my entire identity around it. The way they would speak about me as if I was the perfect, well behaved girl who was never sad, never angry, and without fail, was always there for anyone who needed her. Everyone seemed to love her, so I repressed my original identity and became her.
Growing up in an environment where adults did not feel comfortable expressing their negative emotions in front of me made me think that happiness was the only emotion allowed in public and it was an unwritten societal rule that everybody knew. As a consequence, I wasn’t taught how to express negative emotions, such as anger, in a healthy way and had to find different ways to cope on my own.
It took me several years and professional help to finally realize that we, as humans, are supposed to have a wide range of emotions and we are meant to feel them and have support from others. That people will not leave you if you set boundaries and disclose personal information about yourself. We tend to think that people can’t handle our dark side, but everyone has one and it is more than okay to be vulnerable and ask for help when we need to.
I bought into this idea of toxic positivity where I felt shame for feeling negative emotions. I thought I had to be happy all the time or at least only portray that emotion in front of others. But, because I repressed all my anger, sadness, shame, guilt, instead of them becoming smaller and less relevant, they would take up all the space in my mind, leaving no room for true happiness.
I felt as if I was not allowed to feel negative emotions, and when I ended up having them, I was not allowed to share them with other people. The mere idea of sharing my feelings made me feel like a burden and I didn’t want to add what I felt to someone else’s baggage. I understood what it was like to carry heavy emotional baggage and I thought it was unfair to ask for help, even if mine was too heavy to lift on my own. But at the same time, I was always offering to help carry someone else’s.
As I got older, it became too hard for me to continue faking perfection and happiness. I ended up having huge meltdowns in high school which brought me a sense of relief, until I heard someone saying that I chose to cry at school because I wanted attention from my peers. This brought me back into pretending and hiding my true emotions. In retrospect, we as humans do not realize the huge impact our words and actions may have on others. I don’t think that boy knows that, years later, I still think about what he said about me and it stills affects me when I feel the need to cry and I am in a public space.
Learning how to set boundaries, be vulnerable and express emotions has been very difficult for me because every time I met a new person that could potentially be part of my close circle, I tend to pretend I am the happiest person on Earth. And whenever there is tension I transform into Chandler from Friends and I tell jokes to lighten the mood.
It has been hard to accept, but those traits are still a part of who I am and in order for me to form genuine relationships I have to be able to push past them, tear down my walls and let them in. Because not trusting anybody is a very lonely way of living your life and not everyone you meet will hurt you; some of them will single-handedly save your life by listening to what you have to say.
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About the Author:
Katia Navarro Alamán is an English teacher and aspiring writer who loves to share about her mental health journey in hopes of ending the stigma. She loves to spend time with her family, friends, and her beloved dog, Luna, as well as spending time alone to embroider, read, or enjoy a good movie.
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