How My Relationship to My Body Evolved During the Pandemic
Read Time: 5 Minutes
Words by Lydia Dubose
I remember learning about a study on expressions and emotions: certain facial expressions can be understood no matter what culture or background you come from. Over 75 different studies have shown that regardless of what society, country, or group we might be a part of, there is strong evidence that there are seven emotions that produce universal facial expressions - anger, contempt, fear, disgust, joy, sadness, and surprise. Over the past year, I have not only experienced all of those seven emotions, but we as humanity have all experienced the commonality of living through a pandemic. Although every country and community may have experienced the pandemic in unique ways, we have all been impacted by it in one way or another.
While the impacts of COVID-19 have been devastating, with over 500,000 deaths in the United States alone, there have been certain positives that have come out of this time of forced isolation. Work and social activities have become more accessible for disabled folks who were previously excluded from participating in conferences or other events. Far fewer people contracted the flu this winter due to extra safety and sanitary precautions. Greenhouse emissions plunged ten percent during the pandemic, a positive note for the environment. And finally, I became more comfortable in my body.
I transitioned to working at home in spring 2020, and for me, it was a great experience overall. I had the extreme privilege of living in a quiet home with a working internet connection and a kitchen table to serve as a desk until I was able to get a hand-me-down later in the year. I didn’t have to worry about caring for kids who were home from school or going into dangerous work environments as an essential worker.
One of the biggest changes to spending more time at home, I realized, was not being observed by others. I remember, in the “before times”, during meetings I might have spent some mental energy on being aware of how others were perceiving me - my body, expressions, and movements. I would always want to come across professionally and positively, from my gestures to my facial expressions to my outfits. Also, many times while working in the office, others would comment on my food choices whether I had brought my lunch from home or we went out to eat.
At home, I no longer felt myself being observed, and it gave me a profound sense of freedom. I was able to relax into my body, sitting in ways that were still appropriate, but that felt comfortable. I found myself gravitating toward wearing the clothes in my closet that actually felt good, not just the most flattering fits. I felt lighter without being constantly watched, and more able to focus on my work without the distractions that others would bring.
After a few months at home, I realized that I had developed a more intuitive way of relating to my body. I began to notice signals from my body as well as little habits that had developed without my noticing. I was more efficient than ever when it came to getting my work done since I no longer dealt with the distractions of an office or spent time worrying about how I appeared to others. I prioritized taking breaks when I was tired and took a short walk around the block instead of pushing through unproductively. Instead of rushing through lunch, I would use my break to make and savor a meal that I would really enjoy.
I learned not to focus so much on how my body appeared, and more on how it felt. Instead of focusing on looking put together, I paid attention to what signals my body was sending and responded to them. I inevitably did gain some weight, but I was able to embrace and accept my body instead of stressing about how I looked. I had learned that it’s much more important to feel comfortable than to look perfect.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be under the gaze of others and who we are in different settings. While spending so much time at home, I grew into becoming more comfortable in myself and my own company. I was given the space to not think about how I was being perceived, and simply BE.
Before, when going into the office or out into social settings, I felt the pressure constantly to be “on”, like a performer. The way my world changed during the pandemic released me from those expectations, and led me to ask some existential questions: Who are we when we are just with ourselves? Is who we are around other people any less real than who we are when we are alone? What if we did what feels good in our bodies instead of trying to make our bodies conform to the expectations of others?
Again, I think it’s worth mentioning that this was MY experience during the pandemic...I was privileged to get to take a slower pace and found that I work from home much more effectively compared to when I was working in an office. This was not the case for the many essential workers, those with large families, people struggling with food or housing insecurity, or others who faced various challenges during the pandemic.
I know that my body has changed this past year, and so has the way that I relate to my body. I’m far less critical of it and more focused on meeting my body’s needs for food, rest, or activity than I am on the appearance of it. Although this has been extremely freeing for me personally, I am a little bit worried about re-entering society as the world gradually opens back up over the next year. I have been able to find a “new normal” in the way I live in my body that has been liberating, but the thought of resuming activities with others who are concerned about having gained the “pandemic 15” or who still try to control their bodies with diets or exercise regimens has recently been a source of anxiety. I know I am not alone, many people are experiencing anxiety around returning to a sense of “normal” as vaccinations become more widely available and we can return to close proximity to one another.
With this transition, I am sure that the way that I relate to my body will continue to evolve. This will not be the last time that my relationship with my body will change, but my hope is that I will continue to develop more and more positive and empowering relationships with my future self and whatever shape my body takes in the future.
** Editor’s Note: This is part 3 of a 4-part series on caring for your body. Read part 1 here. | Read part 2 here. | Read part 4 here. **
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About the Author:
Lydia Dubose (she/her) has a passion for learning and finding new ways to create a more kind and just world. Based in Texas, she has spent years cultivating relationships, growing programs, and communicating for nonprofit organizations. She enjoys trying new things, listening to podcasts, long walks outside, reading several books at once, secondhand shopping, and tackling new recipes.
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