The Spirals of Coffee Creamer and Anxiety
Read Time: 3 Minutes
Words by Alyssa Nutile
Recently, I realized that not everyone goes through their whole life (every single day of it) overanalyzing and stressing over every decision and moment, no matter how inconsequential. Some people have normal brains, and they can just... do stuff. And live. And never think about most things more than a few seconds.
But I have an anxiety disorder, so those people feel very far removed from me. Like the Knights of the Roundtable. Maybe they existed in some place at some time, but how real can they be?
For me, anxiety isn't a feeling here and there but a constant thing that, when at it’s worst, can color every single thought in my life. It’s not a thought process; it’s a physical, mental, and emotional state. One that I don’t get to “decide” to be in but instead get dragged, kicking and screaming, to the anxiety party that my introverted self would have rather cancelled on at the last minute. And, if I don’t get to decide when it all starts, then I certainly don’t get to decide when it’s all over.
Illustration by Alyssa Nutile
It starts like this. I pour my Natural Bliss creamer into my coffee in the morning. The bottle seems light. It seemed much fuller yesterday. It seems light enough that now I’m not sure if this will last through the week until our next grocery run. If it doesn't, I don’t have a plan to get to the store again, which should be a minor problem but feels like a major event, because I didn’t plan for it. I don’t like events that I didn’t plan for, or at the very least, didn’t plan to not plan for. But if I don't go the store, then I won't be able to have creamer in my coffee and that will throw off the rest of the mornings this week.
The key here is how unintentional this series of thoughts is. I don't think about it on purpose. It's just that the thought sparks, and now it won't leave me alone. I try to distract myself, but the news on Alexa is stressful today, so the thought is back, groaning "Your mornings are just going to be so unsatisfactory if you run out of creamer. But just imagine how inconvenient a trip to the store will be."
Over and over.
I need a distraction, so I start the laundry.
“But the coffee..."
I sit down to try to work. No time to worry about coffee creamer when there are podcasts to edit.
But the first host on the first podcast that I need to work on today just mentioned the cup of coffee that she's drinking for this interview, and apparently, it’s just so amazing. It’s making her whole morning better. I wish my coffee could be so reliable. I walk to the kitchen to warm my half full cup of coffee and trip on my kids Transformer, spilling what's left in my mug.
And now I'm really stressed because that's one tablespoon of creamer wasted. One spoonful closer to an unplanned grocery run or a slightly less satisfying morning, and I'm angry, with life and with my kid for leaving his Transformer on the floor and mostly with myself, because this is all so ridiculous.
I know it's stupid. Every time the thought pops up, I tell myself how stupid it is. It doesn't matter. Grocery shopping is easy. My husband would go if I asked. We have milk and sugar too. We don't even have to go to the store.
“But what if my husband gets grumpy about going to the store?”
He won't. He never does.
“Yeah, but what if this is the time that he does?”
“Or what if you use milk instead and then we run out of milk? Then we'll have to do a full shop a day or two early, and we DID NOT plan for that. That's going to throw off the whole week.”
Wait, I thought I was talking myself down from being anxious.
The loop goes on.
How do you break it? How do you tell your mind that it's lying to you, and that the damn coffee creamer is just creamer, and if you run out, you run out, and this is the highest order first world problem that's ever existed?
Oh, I guess we just did. That was easy. So, now we're done with that. Back to work on these podcasts.
“You know, you probably shouldn't use creamer anyway. Too many calories. Too much sugar. You're going to get diabetes and heart disease and definitely cancer and then probably die early, and your kids won't have a mom. Who will take care of them without you? Remember Anakin Skywalker? That could be your son. All because of the coffee creamer.”
Ugh. Hi, brain. I see you’re back again. Can I trade you for one of those imaginary “normal people” brains? I just discovered they exist, and it sounds like quite the upgrade.
“Sure. But then who would remind you to add the coffee creamer to your grocery list?”
Who indeed, brain. Who indeed.
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About the Author:
Alyssa Nutile is a mother of two, and advocate living on the shores of Lake Erie in Erie, Pennsylvania. Alyssa’s work focuses on the emotional, mental, and physical realities of loving, parenting, and advocating for a medically complex child, and how the issues her family navigates embody the whole realm of human experience. Alyssa is an artist by training, but finds just as much creative fulfillment through writing, and most of all, enjoys combining the two.
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