Trying to Hear Your Voice in the Noise
Read Time: 3 Minutes
Words by Hannah Kewley
Tethering to an idea or a thought comes both naturally and oh, so difficultly for me. My personality dislikes risk, variables, gray areas, patience. I need facts, logic, plans, and authority that I can respect. Yet, my sensitive processing of life and tendency to absorb all nuances of thoughts, feelings, interactions, the silences of others, weather patterns, lunar cycles, smells, and sounds, makes settling on clear thoughts with any semblance of rationale extremely tricky.
“Individuation is, above all, about being able to hear your inner voice or voices through all the inner and outer noise.” (Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person)
What do I have to say, when I could say it all? Who would listen, no one, everyone? The cacophony of opinions, experiences, and voices already in the world don’t need any more adding to them. How does wrestling my senses and instincts into stories even work? If I open myself in words, how many words will I need? How many worse-case, bad-case, or unpredictable-case scenarios will I need to think through?
I’m interrupted by a bang from a neighbor’s car. The fridge gurgles. Where was I? Mind hums.
“Intuition can also stand in your way because it makes you aware of too many inner voices speaking for too many different possibilities.” (Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person)
Turning from a vast receptacle of inputs, to finding an output I can believe in, a voice that is mine, truly. How? A need for creativity but also order. How do I find that? Do I want that? Yes. I need that.
But what can I say that hasn’t been said? Already, and better. Surely.
Image by Hannah Kewley
I’m drawn to the light shifting angle, dancing branches of shadow on my window frame. I know there’s beauty in the unpredictable, irrational, instinctual.
But how do I write when I struggle to process my own thoughts? When feelings are noise, most days too loud to include in my daily existence? It’s smoother and clearer to keep numb, plain, blank. I can be more receptive to others and the unpredictability of life if I am less. Self-preservation of the Highly Sensitive.
Can I become more, allow myself to be more, when I can’t plan what that will require of my senses? Anxiety rears. Am I strong enough to open the door just a chink, to processing consciously some of the orchestra of life? Inner and Outer. Can I grow to handle me, who I am, and the world outside of myself, so that I can have a voice?
Do I dare to imagine a story I am capable of telling?
“No matter how introverted, you are a social being. You cannot escape your need and spontaneous desire to connect with others even if your conflicting urge to protect yourself is very strong. (Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person)
As someone who has identified as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), Enneagram 6, and a Myers Briggs type ISTJ, I struggle with finding the capacity, bravery, and selectivity to write. But I also identify as a writer, and find writing, prose or poetry, to be my chosen creative outlet, and a very helpful means of nailing down my sensory experiences. I struggle with and yet also need to put words to my experience.
I am still greatly working on this, but here are a few things that I remind myself of regularly to help my own writer’s voice break through the babble:
* I try to engage in activities that feel right to me or speak to me in some way.
* To fail is to grow and to set out on a path to future successes.
* I fear ending life with regrets and being still silent.
* Time alone regularly, away from sensory input from others, just with my own thoughts or gentle stimulus such as inspiring words or music.
* Journaling and free-writing to stay unblocked and able to translate feelings and senses into words.
* Keep notebooks and pens in multiple locations around the house, as inspiration and words come at unpredictable moments, and can rarely be conjured up intentionally if missed.
* Confidence in self comes with age. As the decades pass I see myself and hear myself more clearly.
* Limit the volume not the number. Stay broad in the voices, art, and provocations you expose yourself to, even the foreign and uncomfortable ones, but turn down the volume by listening at set times when you are under-aroused, and narrow how many you listen to who are repeating the same or similar messages. It’s possible to be overwhelmed by even comfortable and familiar stimuli if there’s too much of it.
* Growing yourself by new experiences gives you greater evidence to base future decisions and thoughts on. It gives security, afterwards!
* Talk to your inner circle - share your bad days, limits, good days, and wins. They deserve the real you and you deserve authenticity in your closest relationships.
“There’s really very little that you can’t do if you find a way to do it in your own style.” (Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person)
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About the Author:
Hannah Kewley is an over-thinker, over-feeler, lover of words. She seeks a simple, authentic life, connected to nature, whilst drinking tea and eating nachos. She has been married to her best friend for the last 12 years and they are slowly renovating their 60s chalet bungalow on the south coast of England. This kitchen-disco, garden bonfire, wild swimming loving family home educate their two kids.
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