5 Ways to Support a Friend With Anxiety
Words by Mindy Larsen
The morning started out like any other. With a warm cup of coffee in hand, I stared out the window into the hot, summer sun and planned out my day. It was going to be jam-packed— hit the gym, grocery shop, make a return at Target, take the cat to the vet, drop off the hubby’s dry cleaning, and pick up a book at the library.
I’m not a fan of this kind of day, or the fact that it’d fallen on an unbearably humid, 90-degree squelcher, but I set myself up well by purposefully planning happy hour with a friend to cap it off. One (or two) cold glass of bubbles and good company would slice through the heat and give me solid motivation to persevere through the craziness that was this day.
Four errands down, two to go. With a heavy exhale, I dragged my feet back to the car as sweat dripped down my stomach. My air conditioning couldn’t keep up with the heat and I was turning into a pile of mush. Pointing all the vents at my face, a sudden wave of dizziness came over me. I swallowed nervously and thought, “Oh no… am I going to pass out?”
One second entertaining that fear was all it took for an anxiety attack to launch into action. Short breaths felt stuffed into lungs too small to hold them, my heart raced forcefully, and my mind flooded with worst-case scenarios. I was no stranger to anxiety attacks, but this one felt heavier, more physical somehow.
I knew the key to finding calm was to give my body time to recover. So I steadied my shaky hands and drove home. The rest of my errands and happy hour would have to wait. I was most bummed about not seeing my friend, but I knew she would understand. Or so I thought…
A SURPRISING RESPONSE
As I sat on the couch, telling my body that I was not dying so it could start chilling out, I texted my friend. “Hey girl, I’m so sorry but I have to cancel our plans for tonight. I had a really bad anxiety attack today, and I need to give my body a chance to recover.”
A few minutes later, bubbles appeared on my iPhone showing she was working on the sympathetic, “no big deal” text I thought was coming my way. But instead what I received was, “Seriously? I was really looking forward to this… but okay, I guess. Have a good night.”
I waited as if more was coming. Maybe evidence of care or concern regarding how I was feeling. But... oh wait, more bubbles! Here it comes.
“BTW – clearly anxiety is an issue for you, I hope you get that figured out one of these days.”
My jaw dropped and my heart rate escalated – only this time, out of frustration.
If I had told her that I couldn’t get together because I had the flu, a migraine, or God forbid, I got in a car accident, I have absolutely no doubt that the response would have been sympathetic. So what gives? Why isn’t the response just as compassionate when it comes to mental health?
HOW TO SUPPORT A FRIEND WITH ANXIETY
I wish I could tell you that this is the only story I have about feeling disregarded in relation to my struggle with anxiety, but that is not the case. In a culture where anxiety is an unspoken epidemic, anxiety sufferers, like myself, are often left craving support from their friends and loved ones.
It’s an unfortunate fall-out that I don’t believe is intentional. Rather, it is birthed from a plethora of reasons like confusion on how to approach the subject, fear of saying the wrong thing, lack of personal experience thus lack of understanding, or simply the missing piece of empathy.
Whatever the reason might be, my hope is that by sharing five simple ways to support a friend with anxiety, I might help demystify the subject and shed light on how easy it can be to provide encouragement.
1. TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT ANXIETY FEELS LIKE
If you don’t personally struggle with anxiety, it might be quite difficult for you to wrap your mind around what it means when someone says, “I had an anxiety attack today.”
Anxiety shows its face in so many different ways. Sometimes it’s entirely physical – heart palpitations, shortness of breath, dizziness, or shakiness. Other times it’s mainly mental – an overwhelm of distorted thoughts that spin and spiral out of control. And most times it’s a hideous combination of both.
One of the most supportive things I’ve ever been asked is, “Can you tell me what your anxiety feels like?”
Asking what a friend’s anxiety feels like not only helps them feel understood in their version of the struggle, but it enables you to put yourself in their shoes and recognize what they’re going through; thus encouraging you to know how you could help.
2. SPEAK TRUTH
Anxiety is a tricky beast. Once triggered, often by irrational fears, anxiety sets off a fight-or-flight response in the body. While this is a natural response as the brain is doing its job to protect you, it feels as if you’re in literal, physical danger and might possibly die. Speaking truth to a friend who is struggling with the lies of anxiety, is the best thing you can do in the heat of the moment.
A few examples of helpful truths are – your body can handle this, this will pass, you are not alone, and a gentle reminder to take deep breaths to help their body know they’re not in danger.
Stay away from statements like – don’t be anxious, you’re fine, or just relax.
The more you understand your friend’s anxiety, the better you’ll know what truths and affirmations would be helpful to their personal struggle.
3. ASK HOW YOU CAN HELP
My husband does not deal with anxiety, so it has been a bit of a learning curve for him to know how to support me. One of the questions he consistently asks is, “How can I help?”
Although anxiety is primarily a personal struggle, in some situations there are actually things my husband can do to help. Small gestures like holding my hand for physical support, speaking truth to a specific lie that I’m tempted to believe, or providing healthy distraction.
Even if there’s nothing he can physically do to help me, the simple act of being asked helps me feel loved, supported, and reminded that I’m not alone.
4. EXTEND GRACE
Anxiety pops up at the most unexpected and often inopportune times. This may result in anxiety impacting plans. As tempting as it is to respond with frustration, consider what you’ve learned about your friend’s struggle with anxiety, what might be triggering her, and extend grace.
Keep in mind that the physical and mental battle with anxiety is taxing, and give her permission to say “no”. Encourage her in self–care, affirm her in your friendship, and advocate for the importance of caring for herself in this season.
This intentional understanding will speak volumes to your friend. It will show her that you support her, prevent her from feeling weak or ashamed, and empower her to take care of her body.
5. CHECK IN
The battle with anxiety is unseen. There’s no cast, cough, or runny nose to remind you that the struggle is real. Although it might seem that your friend is totally okay, she might actually be drowning.
Be intentional about checking in when you know your friend is struggling, but even more importantly, when you think she isn’t. Don’t be afraid to be specific in asking about anxiety. This will help her feel known and gives you the opportunity to ask more questions like the ones above.
THE RESPONSIBILITY IS MUTUAL
As easy as it would be to place all the blame on friends and family who aren’t supportive, the truth is, the responsibility is mutual. If I want to feel supported, I too, must be an active participant in making that happen. By having honest, vulnerable conversations, I can help educate friends about my anxiety and encourage them in how they can help.
Sound intimidating? Share this article with a friend – let it be a starting point for your conversation.
These talks aren’t easy. But the more we communicate with one another about our struggles, the more we can eliminate lack of understanding, confusion, or even stigmas, and foster a community drenched in support.
Together, let’s not settle for navigating the road alone. Let’s shift our culture and advocate for the support we all deserve.
About the Author:
Mindy Larsen is a writer living in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin. She loves donuts, the power of scripture to combat anxiety, and cuddling on the couch with her husband, Chris, and their cat, Finn. Mindy writes to encourage others with words that point towards Jesus. You can find her writing in Grit & Virtue, (in)courage and Thryve Magazine, as well as on her personal blog: www.loveminblog.com .