I Don't Want Kids
Click here to listen to Jessica’s interview about this piece on The Kindred Convos podcast, episode 13.
Words by Jessica Downey, Social Media Manager // Image by Sarah Hartley
When I was in my late teens and early twenties I always thought about growing up, getting married, and having kids. I'm not sure if I ever thought about why I wanted kids or if I truly wanted to have children of my own. Honestly, I don't think I ever thought about it at all. It was just the natural progression of life for someone in the Midwest - you graduate high school, get a job or go off to college, get married, buy a house, and have children.
As I grew older, I started to wonder if kids were in my life plan. When I would talk to people they'd always say I was too young or that I would change my mind if/when I was married someday. I actually kind of couldn't wait to get out of my twenties so people would take my decisions seriously.
I'd date guys who really, really wanted children. And it kind of freaked me out because I was still on the fence. I hadn't completely thrown out the idea, but I definitely wasn't sold on it either. So I had a really hard time wanting to commit to someone who definitely wanted kids.
When my husband and I were dating, we had all sorts of intense talks before we let ourselves get really serious. One of them was about kids and he was like me. And I still remember the moment he told me that he really didn't want to have kids. It's a scary thing to tell someone that you really, really like.
“I wish I had this perfectly perfect answer as to why I don’t want children. But then again, sometimes I wish it wasn’t a question that had to be answered all the time.”
Well, now I'm 35 years old and we've been married for almost two years and I can honestly tell you that I do not want to have children. At least not children of my own. And I am married to someone who feels the exact same way. So we've made the decision to not have children.
We often get hints from friends and family members. Everyone asks us all the time when we're going to have kids. And those with kids tell us how wonderful and amazing of an experience it is. Our answer has been the same for as long as we've been together -- that we're not going to have any. We usually get a lot of weird stares. And, more often than not, we get something about how we'll change our minds after we've been married for a little while longer. It's almost as if it's reassurance that someday we'll get there. Someday we'll be ready.
But I can assure you that we'll never be ready and it's not even an issue of being ready. We just simply don't want children and we are completely sure of our decision.
So the question is why. Why don't we want to have kids? And, even though sometimes I wish I didn't have to answer it, I do genuinely understand the question. It's a big decision. Maybe even a little strange. It's a choice that a lot of people don't make. I don't want to say it's rare, because I believe there are plenty of couples out there who choose to go through life sans children. But to me it feels pretty rare. Like I'm part of a club that I didn't know existed. Everyone I know wants kids or has kids or wishes they had kids or is trying to have kids or is planning to have kids. And I don't get asked just because I'm a woman, because, trust me, a lot of people ask my husband, too.
Honestly, I wish I could tell you the reason why. I wish when people asked I could just say, this is the reason and that would be the end of it and we'd go on about our business. I wish I had this perfectly perfect answer as to why I don't want children. But then again, sometimes I wish it wasn't a question that had to be answered all the time.
Admittedly I know it sounds incredibly weird to say I don't have a reason why. But I don't really mean I don't have any reason at all. I just mean there's no clear cut reason. It's not really that simple. The truth is, there are a million reasons why I'm not going to have children.
Some of the reasons might seem incredibly superficial. And I'll probably sound like a terrible human being when I say them out loud. But, nevertheless, they're reasons and I'd be totally lying to myself if I said they didn't matter. I'd also be a million times more selfish to bring a life into this world just because I don't want to admit there are some crazy bad reasons for not wanting to.
We want to have nice furniture and we don't want to have to clean up after others constantly. We also want to travel and don't want to have to go to kid friendly places. We like our freedom and having the ability to get up and go wherever we want, whenever we want. We like our sleep and the fact that we don't have to baby-proof our home. And we like the fact that we can have a three-bedroom home with plenty of room for my business, an office, and a lovely bedroom for ourselves.
We don't want our weekends to be filled with soccer games, slumber parties, and running kids here and there. We don't want to leave a party early because the little one needs to get to bed or is having a meltdown. I want to be able to sit in a restaurant and have a bowl of soup and not feel guilty because I'm all alone and left my kid at home.
We like that we have a life where we're generally only responsible for ourselves (and our dogs). We don't want the kind of responsibility that comes with having children. Being a parent means raising someone who will one day be an adult who makes their own decisions. That's kind of a big deal.
We like being an aunt and an uncle to a handful of really awesome kids. It's a fabulous job, really. One that gives both of us a ton of rewards. And really, that's enough kid exposure for us.
And, I will go ahead and say this - I'm far older than I'd want to be. I know that many, many people have kids well past the age I am. My great grandmother did. But that's not something I'm personally on board with. Also, it's not like I'd be able to have a kid tomorrow. My husband is currently finishing his PhD and working as a full-time professor. So I think adding fatherhood to the equation would be a huge mistake. One that could make one (or both) of us incredibly unhappy and bitter towards the other person.
I'm also not sure I want to bring someone into a world like this. The world is kind of a scary place right now. And I'm not sure it's fair to bring a precious life into a world that I don't feel great about.
I don't know if any of those are good reasons. They might sound awful and terrible. They might sound whiny or selfish or so many other negative things. Actually, part of me is cringing as I write them. But, truth be told, I'm not even sure if anyone needs a reason to not want kids. Sometimes you just know what you know. You know what you feel. You know what you believe. No one ever asks people why they want kids.
And no matter how many things I don't know when it comes to this, what I do know is that children are not something I want and I'm not changing my mind. I believe in my heart that having children isn't for me. It's not a part of my plan. My husband and I do not want to have children. At least, not children of our own. We've talked about maybe adopting or being foster parents someday.
Here's what else I know: I know that a lot of people are probably worried about having kids. They probably have some of the same thoughts I do, but all of that changed for them when they actually had a child. But I'm just not one of those people. I don't think all of that just magically changes. And even if there is a chance for it to change, that's a risk I'm not willing to take. You're a parent forever and there are no take backs. You don't get to be a parent one day and then decide you're over it and stop doing it the next day.
I also know this isn't a decision I take lightly, neither does my husband. We didn't wake up one day and think kids just weren't for us. This is something we both thought about separately, before we even met one another. And something that we thought about and talked about as a couple. This is something we decided together. It's something we believe in together.
This also isn't a decision that one of us is doing for the other. It isn't a sacrifice or compromise. I honestly don't believe that I'm giving anything up here. Just a good old-fashioned decision like our decision to move out of New York City and our decision to buy our house.
It also isn't anything against parenthood. I believe it's a wonderful thing. I watch my friends and family members who have children with admiration and respect. I see the way those little eyes look at their parents. And the way those parents look back. I am sure it's a magical experience, but it's not for me.
I also know that we're happy with our decision. Completely and utterly content. It might be hard to explain to people sometimes (obviously it was hard for me in this article). But we know it is the right decision.
We're content with our sweet little family just as it is - my husband, me, and our two cute little dachshunds. That's what we want in life. That's the family we want to have.
** Editor’s Note: This essay first appeared in Issue 9 of Holl & Lane Magazine. **
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