The Process of Self-Discovery
Words by Rachel D.
I believe the best discoveries are the ones we make about ourselves; they are also the rarest and often most painful. They say your twenties are all about discovery; the exploration of who you are and what you want out of life. Being a single, teenage mom (at nineteen) meant that my twenties were the rocky years of trying to navigate who I was, in addition to being a mom and responsible adult. When my second child came at twenty-five, I gained a sharper understanding of the things that mattered most to me, but I still struggled with an understanding of myself. The next five years played out slowly and with many painful lessons. Then I entered my thirties, it felt an overnight metamorphosis had taken place.
Turning thirty meant entering a slower season of life. I found a sort of calm and balance. This new pace allowed time for looking back at the past decade of my life, and the view made me feel lost. Motherhood was my main role, and the responsibility of it was deeply ingrained in my identity. I suddenly discovered, however, that it was not my only role. Also, I wanted more, and there were dreams outside of my children that I needed to invest in. I wanted to invest in myself, and my own happiness. After a lifetime of not believing that or even understanding it; the truth hit me hard.
I was raised in a conservative home, with strong moral values and hardcore views on faith and family. While these qualities are still deeply embedded in who I am, they are not all of who I am. I have discovered that I am more than my daughter's mother and I am more than my mother's daughter. I am me. Growing up, my mother would lovingly (and with good intentions) tell me that I could have it all, that I could be all that I wanted to be, and that I could find contentment in the things that were necessary and expected of me. Quite frankly, these were the truths about her life and experiences... but they were not my only truths and this realization brought me freedom. I have spent as much time unlearning from my upbringing as I have spent learning from it.
Image by Rachel D.
Life has taught me that sacrifices are a necessary part of accomplishments and that I cannot have one without the other. I can, however, have the things that I fight for, the things that I prioritize. I also realize that I cannot be everything to everyone; but I can balance multiple titles, wear many hats, and ultimately create a life around the things that I have passion for. I am a beautiful and complex woman, with simple desires and not-so-simple dreams. That is my truth.
I am a woman who functions as a single mother, a student, a working professional, and an artist. It is a very messy pursuit, but a fluid existence. Never do I feel that I am good at all these things, and rarely do I feel satisfied or accomplished by just one aspect of what I do. No, I need them all, and I also need them intentionally shaped around the things I value most.
While my mother was blessed to find contentment in her role of wife, home and mother, these roles are but one aspect of my life. Contentment comes when I find balance in my own home, art, self-care, relationships, work, education, and motherhood. I need to get back as much as I put out. I need to be loved by the same measure that I give. This is true happiness for me.
Since turning thirty in 2017, I feel as if I am in an accelerated time of discovery. Each day, each month, each experience brings me one step closer to the woman I am becoming. It's not by accident, instead, I feel that I have found an internal compass of intention within. I don't know exactly how it got there, I am simply grateful that it exists. I would offer that as women, discovery will most likely be found in exploring and embracing the hard and beautiful truths of our life. As challenging as the process may seem, I promise you that we are all deserving of no less than our personal best and happiness... the process is very much worth it.
About the Author:
Rachel is a single mama of two. She works full-time, is a student part-time, and dreams/writes all the time. She strongly believes in the power of honest conversation and story-telling. She is passionate about women's health, and helping others overcome. She enjoys deep conversations and coffee.